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151 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Tue Jul 09, 2013 11:03 am

SQUIGGLES wrote:Is that everybody then?
Can the "maybe I might join in" people make up their minds soon please

Like all things that involve a lot of writing, it seems fun but I'll pass.

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152 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Tue Jul 09, 2013 11:32 am

SQUIGGLES wrote:Is that everybody then?
Can the "maybe I might join in" people make up their minds soon please

Oh I don't know if I'm one of the "maybe" people, you guys just tried to convince me to join. I thought I'd let you know to make sure you're not accidentally waiting for me!
So sadly, no, I will not be joining. Have fun though, guys!

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153 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Tue Jul 09, 2013 1:18 pm

Dew, Holly and Sash's characters all live in the same building? That's kinda cool. My character could have an apartment there too, but she lacks any permanent address, I'm afraid. She has places to sleep and a change of clothes in various places around the city.

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154 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Fri Jul 12, 2013 9:03 pm

Alrighty, feedback on the latest post would be very much appreciated. I know there's room for improvement, seeing as it's 3:00 in the morning here and I said I was going to have this posted a day before this, leading to rushing and "crap, these people need names, don't they? Uhh"

I deliberately wanted the fire itself to be vague, partly to make it more mysterious when it gets investigated, and partly because I had no idea what could reasonably and discreetly cause a fire that Fs so much S up.

So yeah, feedback if it's not too much trouble.

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155 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:07 am

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
Hey, right on, happy to note I'm not the only one looking to improve their writing.
I always found it easier to judge things than make them myself and we have different writing styles and I know and you know and everybody knows but, just in case, this is constructive criticism so don't take it personally.
natural 20- criticism hit:
There are a couple words that I think don't really fit the flow or tone:
"remove himself from his vehicle"; I think here you could've described the car or the door quickly instead of just the one word.
"could have probably ended sooner than it did"; I don't know if it's because I use it a lot but "probably" feels almost like a colloquialism rather than something for such an intense sentence.
"buildings and streets almost gave it a feeling of tranquility."; kind of seems unnecessary, I don't think it's too big a leap to say it's actually tranquil; I would've also put in something about sound here to enforce it. It feels more concrete to have two senses -sight and sound, for example- describing an influence.

You use the same phrase twice in a short space:
"Those with a particular mistrust"
"those who weren't privy"
I am so guilty of doing this one all the time; I'll use the same phrase four or five times in a row and not always intentionally for emphasis but because I'm such a scatterbrain. Just something to keep an eye out for in future, I guess, it's hard to make it work unless you're doing it with a purpose.
Everyone is still welcome to critique my part if they find the time and the inclination.

I'll go next, unless someone objects.

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156 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sat Jul 13, 2013 3:20 am

Alright, stuff has been noted chief. Thank you kindly.

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157 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sat Jul 13, 2013 5:58 pm

Derrick: For my part, I thought your post was very good. My only suggestive is to be more liberal with pauses, or for slightly shorter here and there. For example, I felt this
You wrote:It certainly couldn't be said that every citizen was filled with hope for great change and a revamp of the system that would make the city a place to properly live in, but it was safe to wager that most everybody in the city expected a thing or two to change, for good or for ill.
Might have had an improved flow were it two or three sentences. Little things like that.

Sasha-sash: ooooh I like this post. I mean, dude's drinkin' a frickin' Old Fashioned. It really paints a picture of the scene. My suggestion for you is a more varied sentence structure. I love the way your statements are all written clearly and succinctly, because it fits so perfectly with the action and the tone. I just feel like, were there a few longer phrases mixed in in which you expounded on some events or imagery, it would hint at some larger, longer-term plans in the mind of your mystery man.

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158 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:11 pm

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
I can see what you're getting at yeah; I'll keep that in mind, thanks, I'll give it a whirl when I find the time to write this next post.

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159 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sun Jul 14, 2013 1:22 am

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
Since there's so few people joining in I think I might introduce another character for me to play with. I think I'm going to leave this part open-ended in case one of youse wants to join in now on my side, but no frets either way.

Anyone going to tie up the other RP? It's been hanging there for a while.

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160 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:59 am

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
Cool cool cool
Criticism welcome as always
did i get at what you were getting at ziggy

I hope you all have Palace Script MT font installed so there's not just two randomly big words in there oh

didn't want to get too into detail so that people can discover and deduce it as we go along because crime is part mystery goshshshshshshshshshsh
the explosion:
i dunno if dew set me up for this but i was thinking the explosion was centered in the elevator and the timer was set when they pushed the button to leave

i would write the scene myself but i'm not the detectives

if anyone wants to take it another direction i'm cool with that though
the new kids:
"pick up the new kids on the way, we're not done for today just yet."
this is where somebody can join in on my end if they want, i'll let you know what i had in mind for them if you're interested
but it's all cool if people want to go their own directions for now, just an opening if someone's having trouble getting in
my first character sounds so dull i will get around to making him more interesting in interactions
tired so probably errors also last paragraph doesn't meet ridiculous standards might edit in the morning

can't be touched
can't be stopped
can't be moved
can't be rocked
can't be shook
we hot
when will you niggas learn

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161 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sun Jul 14, 2013 9:22 am

Hollyღ

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Dove in the Moonlight
>Squiggles I think I'm going to leave this part open-ended in case one of youse wants to join in now on my side, but no frets either way [...] but it's all cool if people want to go their own directions for now, just an opening if someone's having trouble getting in.

Goshgosh that's supah noice
If anyone is still on the fence of joining this would be a great opportunity to jump in hey
+1 interested for me but my character wouldn't willingly get involved in shady business this early in the roleplay, probably

>Squiggles didn't want to get too into detail so that people can discover and deduce it as we go along because crime is part mystery goshshshshshshshshshsh

Yes hey thank you for having this in mind

>Squiggles Anyone going to tie up the other RP? It's been hanging there for a while.

I do believe a certain someone had an ending planned out ages ago. Glances with meaningful aforethought at Charles and raises eyebrow

>Squiggles Criticism welcome as always
You have such a cool writing style, when I have more time I will type out my thoughts on your post I mean if that's ok with you
Speaking of criticisms;

SQUIGGLES wrote:constructive critique on my writing style is welcome pleaseeeseeeesee
Forgot to mentioned earlier but I'd like the same services pleaseandthankyous

I'm fairly busy this afternoon but I will type up my post later tonight

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162 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sun Jul 14, 2013 4:19 pm

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
Hollyღ wrote:I will type out my thoughts on your post I mean if that's ok with you
ye




also edit
are the factions on our userpages still staying with "The Resistance", "Neutral Party" and "Rare's Army" or is something new going to happen with that?

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163 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 10:58 am

Is it possible for me to join atm? If so, then I would like to join. If not, then I will spectate.

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164 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 11:11 am

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
I am most cool with it, if that factors into Dew's decision any
Get on Tinychat one time and talk it out with us first, though, just so no-one is stepping on toes

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165 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 11:37 am

Hollyღ

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Dove in the Moonlight
SQUIGGLES wrote:Are the factions on our userpages still staying with "The Resistance", "Neutral Party" and "Rare's Army" or is something new going to happen with that?

I already said this in tinychat but repostin here for all to see, that's always been there and its for treehouse and futons, not for any of the roleplays. If anyone wants that removed from their profile let me know~

I will be posting in the RP tonight!

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166 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 11:53 am

Molten has been confirmed for cool enough to join by me, just so everybody knows.

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167 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 12:47 pm

I'll need to make an entrance, but I would also like to know the post order

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168 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:38 pm

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
Damn, Molten, I am mega impressed

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169 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 3:53 pm

SQUIGGLES wrote:Damn, Molten, I am mega impressed
thank you

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170 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 8:10 pm

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
Just so I know what to keep in mind
Where's your character standing in the story? Detectives or criminals or neutrals?
You're welcome to fit into my side where I've left that opening but no pressure either way

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171 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Thu Jul 18, 2013 8:43 pm

Yo I don't know if this is worth mentioning, but I edited my first POV post a bit to make Detective Elliott more of a dick. I figure he can't be a guy who's just a little snarky with an easily reachable soft center. He's gotta have some rougher edges. Instead of liking people, he now has that "meh, everyone here is pretty shitty by default" attitude.

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172 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Sun Jul 21, 2013 9:00 pm

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
SQUIGGLES wrote:Just so I know what to keep in mind
Where's your character standing in the story? Detectives or criminals or neutrals?
You're welcome to fit into my side where I've left that opening but no pressure either way
bump
molten this is at you

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173 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Mon Jul 22, 2013 8:53 am

SQUIGGLES wrote:
SQUIGGLES wrote:Just so I know what to keep in mind
Where's your character standing in the story? Detectives or criminals or neutrals?
You're welcome to fit into my side where I've left that opening but no pressure either way
bump
molten this is at you

I think it will end up being neutral or detective based on what I have planned for my character.

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174 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Mon Jul 22, 2013 9:00 am

Hollyღ

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Dove in the Moonlight
I will be posting my post soon, things keep coming up
Fuck I keep posting last I will try to fix this

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175 Re: RPG Discussion Thread on Mon Jul 22, 2013 9:47 am

No worries, Holly dear.

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