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An apology from holly

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1 An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 2:25 am

(the title half-rhymes much wow).

Wow I completely forgot the password to my other account whats up with that. (´・ω・`)

So...hey, everyone. I'm not sure who still goes here but I wanted to do this either way, for closure. I don't expect forgiveness or anything but at the very least, people deserve an explanation.

About four years ago, I fell heavily into a depression. I never kept my depression and anxiety a secret but I never disclosed just how bad it was, because I was holding up fine for awhile.

But then I suddenly fell back into a cycle of self-destructive tendencies and self-loathing. It started out manageable enough. But school started getting stressful, and family drama kept me from fully relaxing. When I tried reaching out to people, I was ignored or felt pushed aside.

So it didn't take long before I ended up hurting a lot of people - myself, my friends here, people in real life who cared for me. But I didn't have access to medical treatment or psychological help, so it only got worse. I tried to mask all that was happening, but after awhile I gave up on getting help or talking about it.

Eventually I started feeling suicidal again. I acted out in irresponsible and hurtful ways. I latched on to anything that made me feel even the tiniest bit better, and there where a lot of unhealthy things I resorted to for coping.

I don't know what stories circulated about me before or after I left, but some of you know of the things i did. I ended up drinking too much, acting in promiscuous ways and resorting to self-harm. Eventually it hit a critical peak where I hated myself so much that I bounced between wanted to try suicide and wanting to run away, without warning, to just...disappear. Maybe both.

I pulled away from people and stopped caring what happened in my life. Stopped caring who I hurt. Stopped taking care of my health, stopped caring about school and stopped caring about consequences.

Then I started seeing a psychologist for the first time, stopped drinking - started getting real help. There's a lot of damage I did. To people, to myself. I'm feeling much better now, and my life is coming together again, but none of that may completely heal.

And none of this excuses what I did. Regardless of depression at the time, me lashing out, hurting people and leaving without a word was incredible immature and petty.

I don't know if this is post was needed or not, or if anyone would care, or if anyone would even see it, but I am sorry. I'm sorry to everyone who got caught in my self-destructive path, I'm sorry for leaving abruptly, I'm sorry for cutting contact with people and for placing them in awkward or painful positions. Overall, I took a lot of things for granted, and for all that I am sorry. I really am. Nobody here deserved that.

I won't be returning to the forum - I'm just really busy with school and therapy and all - but I do wish everyone the very best, and I hope everyone is doing well.

Anyway, thanks for listening. (o´_`o)/

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2 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 9:14 am

While I can't speak for everybody, I know I can speak for myself.

Apology accepted Holly. It's good to hear from you again. And even moreso, it's good to hear that you've been doing better.

The whole forum has gone pretty silent, but people are still in contact, mostly using the Facebook group. I'm glad I checked in today and saw this.

Here's hoping things keep looking up for you, I wish you nothing but the best <33

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3 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 9:26 am

Thanks bruh, I appreciate that xoxoxox
I wish you the best too, give everyone on the group my love if you can okay <3

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4 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 10:13 am

[scream externally]

Holly!

It's so good to have news! Let me tell you that I (we?) was(were) missing you!

When I visited Detroit in 2015 I was actually kinda hoping to see your face and maybe talk a bit. But that didn't happen and I was a bit sad. I'm in a depression now. So yeah, I know how you feel. It's shit.

And yeah, don't mind the dust in here. We pretty much all moved to Facebook because it is easier to access while doing shitty life stuff.

I personally don't really care about the apology because I know how not yourself people can be when feeling like that. It's fine on my end and I'm just happy that you are getting better!

You are always welcome to talk anytime! ( ゚ヮ゚)

<3

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5 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 10:23 am

Holly, it is good to hear from you again. I am glad you are doing better! I haven't heard from you since well going on years now.

I can only speak for myself and I accept your apology and offer up my own for my past actions. Iv'e said things in the heat of argument and certainly did not put my thoughts to words like i should have.

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6 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 11:38 am

JT_the_Ninja

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*hugs* Missed you Holly. Keep in touch? []

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7 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 2:56 pm

(☍﹏⁰) Oh wow, thank you everyone! I honestly wasn't expecting such warm responses (or responses at all). I'm sorry I missed out on so much.

AwesomeMedic wrote:When I visited Detroit in 2015 I was actually kinda hoping to see your face and maybe talk a bit. But that didn't happen and I was a bit sad. I'm in a depression now. So yeah, I know how you feel. It's shit.

I heard a little that you were in my area, I'm sorry I missed you though! Maybe next time if you ever plan on visiting again. And hey, thanks. Sorry you're going through some rough stuff as well, it's really hard. I'm glad things are fine on your end and I hope you're always able to find support through it (ฅ`ω´ฅ). How's Charles doing?

Samiam wrote:I can only speak for myself and I accept your apology and offer up my own for my past actions. Iv'e said things in the heat of argument and certainly did not put my thoughts to words like i should have.

Thanks buddy, yeah it's been about 3 years I think! but you don't need to apologize. We both said stuff but I haven't held any grudges or anger towards anyone. I understood. I'm just sorry we lost touch on such a bad note. I was never good at controlling my emotions.

JT_the_Ninja wrote:*hugs* Missed you Holly. Keep in touch? []

*hugs* Thanks JT, I'll try <3

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8 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:01 pm

I'm too new to send private messages so I can't reply to messages sent to me yet (that sucks). I'll try to log onto my old account.

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9 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:07 pm

is it like 5 posts or something?

either way you could try to contact us through facebook if you need to message any one of us i suppose

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10 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:09 pm

It's not five, but that's alright. I don't have facebook...I've shyed away from social media.

I really wasn't expecting anyone to care or reply back so I wasn't prepared to think up ways to keep in touch tbh! But I'm really glad everyone is doing well, or at least hanging in there. Sorry to hear about some troubles and drastic changes people have gone through though.

Edit #13456: Shit I'm so stupid. My medicine makes me slow to thinking sometimes especially when I'm tired lmao. I do have an email! Ayan334 @ yahoo.com is my side that I still use, and it's probably best to contact me there! And If I remember any other places I can be messaged at I can just email it to people.



Last edited by notsorare on Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

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11 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:19 pm

Oh, thank goodness! I, and Im sure many of us, were worried about you. I had no idea how to contact you to talk though, once you disappeared from here and Steam, which I suppose was rather the point. It's kind of silly, but you're the one who gave me this nickname, and being here in the Treehouse has actually been a rather big part of my life, and you were a big influence on that. I know we're all just dorky friends online, but you guys are important to me, so when you started acting out and vanished suddenly, it was a bit distressing!


You do need to apologize to some people, but for me, there is no beef between us. Im just glad to hear from you, and very glad to hear that you're doing better now. Even if you're too busy to come around the forum much, I do hope we can maybe see you on the Facebook group a bit? I know it might be kind of awkward in some ways, and I don't know if things can go back to how they used to be, but it's really just not the same without you, Rare.

I don't think I'd have anything to offer that a professional couldn't, but if you ever wanna talk, about your problems or nerdy stuff or whatever, Im still on Steam and Facebook and here.


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12 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:29 pm

Hey Toppy! I'm sorry for just...disappearing like that. We had a lot of good times (I do miss our steam discussions!) and then I just kind of threw that away instead of communicating that I was having issues and getting involved in bad stuff. Yeah..it's gonna feel awkward I think, catching up with people.

I don't think i can manage going back to facebook again... and I think, after a while, i will stop posting here (I wouldnt have time or energy to post here often anyway). but my email is open! Ayan334 @ yahoo.com (no spaces).

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13 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:50 pm

JT_the_Ninja

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We've just missed you, holly. Hasn't been the same. Here, have a can of beans! []

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14 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:53 pm

Every conversation with me feels awkward, though, so it shouldn't be too different from normal.

Im terrible with email, but I suppose you're probably avoiding Steam for the same reason, so I'll try and send one of those newfangled virtual letters.

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15 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 4:52 pm

Incoming Chuck

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16 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:03 pm

OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

Fuck where did I put those sunglasses I'll probably need them for the incoming bee/cat army that will be attacking my house

But in all seriousness, hey Rare! Medic just told me the news about your post on here, and honestly, I am so glad to hear from you again! Like Dew said, I fully accept your apology and man, am I excited just at the idea of talking to you again.

Life's had its up and downs ever since the forum pretty much died four years ago. I was incredibly sad to see it go, since you guys are pretty much my online family and I seriously love you all. Let me just say, we sincerely missed you when you were gone. Stef and I would often talk about the Treehouse when we hung out together and it always made us laugh. Shit, even today, sometimes, when I'm bored in math class, I lean back and let my good ol' imagination soar, thinking about crazy adventures involving the Resistance and your army. Man, if I didn't suck at drawing, I'd probably try my luck with a webcomic or something, I have way too many ideas in my head.

I really hope to see you somewhere. I'd love to talk and catch up. And you should've known that we'd be super supportive of you coming back, you silly cat! Everyone here loves you very much, don't you forget that!

No foe yay.

ok maybe a bit of foe yay

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17 Re: An apology from holly on Wed Nov 02, 2016 2:39 am

-Hides box that is angrily buzzing-
I don't know what you're talking about Charles don't be ridiculous.

Hey dude!! I don't know what to say. My feelings are pretty much similar to what you posted! I really missed hanging here too. Thinking back on it now, it was silly that I left in the first place. But neither bees or cats are known for their intelligence. also no foe yay its not like I missed you or anything b-baka

The next few days I won't be online because I'm going to a convention but after that I should be back. Right now I think email is the best way to contact me - I got lots of emails already so I will reply as soon as I can~

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18 Re: An apology from holly on Wed Nov 02, 2016 4:30 am

Hey Holly,
It's been a while since all the drama, and while some things weren't ok in my opinion, I'd like to leave it in the past now. I understand mental illness so I'm most of all happy you're working on getting better.

Keep doing well, and I hope to catch up with you at some point.
Hugs, Tasha x

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19 Re: An apology from holly on Wed Nov 02, 2016 4:50 am

Thanks, Tasha. Honestly, I'm just as disappointed and upset at myself as others might be, and I totally understand. I was in a really dark place for a really long time and I did whatever I could to make myself feel better without considering anything else. And a lot of things I did were despicable. I don't expect people to ever forgive or trust me again. I get it. I didn't come here expecting or wanting that either - I just couldn't continue without giving an apology.

But, I do hope things are going well for you and Dennis and Spencer
xoxox

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20 Re: An apology from holly on Fri Nov 04, 2016 3:33 am

Hey, I'm Rare

I'm not so Rare...


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21 Re: An apology from holly on Fri Nov 11, 2016 10:51 am

Wow there's life in the forum for a bit, anyway in responce to the apology.

It's accepted on the grounds that I had some suspicions of circumstances, but was nowhere near knowlegable enough to make a conclusion.

Everone deals with depression in different ways, but it is good to hear that you are getting help. I've lost my grandfather to it (in a way). Just get better, mend what you can, and workaround or accept what you can't. No one is perfect, no matter who claims to be.

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22 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 22, 2016 4:49 pm

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
Hey, I still check this forum every now and then.

I know we parted on bad terms, Holly, but if you ever want to touch base again, my email is the same it always was. I'm glad to hear you're in a better place.
The same goes for the rest of you guys; I have a facebook still and I know I have some of you there, but I don't think I ever log on it, too many old, painful memories of mistakes there. I use skype or email more often; if any of you want to talk to me on either account, send me a PM and I'll hopefully remember to log on here again and let you know my details.

Best wishes and good fortune to each and every one of you, and particularly to dice-rolling bot, who was always there for me.

I cant believe I still remember my password, what the fuck

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23 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 22, 2016 4:49 pm

The member 'SQUIGGLES' has done the following action : Dices roll


#1 'Six Sided Die' : 5

--------------------------------

#2 'Six Sided Die' : 2

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24 Re: An apology from holly on Tue Nov 22, 2016 4:49 pm

SQUIGGLES

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The 7th Wonder of the World
Thanks dice-rolling bot. You too.

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25 Re: An apology from holly on Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:47 pm

WELCOME BACK SASHA, I'M GLAD YOU REMEMBERED THAT PASSWORD CHIEF.

Spent Thanksgiving week with my darling Skyebelle Ziggy, and she sends her love to everybody, whether you be returning from a long absence or not.

She also remains beautiful and wonderful, and God I love her so much

It's good to know that everyone's okay. I've always been absolute shite at keeping in contact with people, and right now I'm still getting used to Skye not being nearby it's so easy to get used to her presence, her being around is comfort and love and just this feeling of absolute rightness, that when she's gone it takes me so long to figure out how to go back to business as usual so right now I kinda just wanna sleep forever, but I'm still checking here periodically.

You're all wonderful, and this entire month I've been thinking on-and-off about the myriad of memories I have of you all, and the years I have spent in this community.

But that's enough glurge from me. I'm off to bed.

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