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Bad Jokes!

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26 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sat Jun 18, 2011 7:56 am

Gorgro

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Glorious Leader
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

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27 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sat Jun 18, 2011 8:01 am

Tuomey

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King Under The Bridge
Win.

*remembers this one time (in band camp [not really {lol brackets}]) a musician and a programmer got into quite a discussion about "doing things in C" before realising they were talking about two completely different things but ultimately fails to make a joke out of it*

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28 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sat Jun 18, 2011 11:15 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Hemmingway: To die. In the rain.

Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Einstein: Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned with the reason why the chicken crossed the road only shows your own sexual insecurities.

Reagan: What chicken?

Clinton: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.

Dubya: I don't know why that chicken crossed the road, but I do know that he can't hide. God Bless America.

P. Buchanan: To steal a job from a hardworking American.

Bible: And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Sanders: You let that fucker get away?

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29 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sat Jun 18, 2011 5:41 pm

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender asks if he realizes it's there, to which he replies, 'Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!'

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30 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Jun 19, 2011 12:45 am

Tuomey

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King Under The Bridge
SCP-504 fits in this thread - disclaimer: it's not my work.

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31 Re: Bad Jokes! on Tue Jun 21, 2011 8:01 am

JT_the_Ninja

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Today I grabbed a bunch of packets of free saltine crackers for my soup...they're free, don't judge...anyway, one bag only had one cracker in it, instead of the usual two...I said, "Must be Lance crackers..." []

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32 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sat Jun 25, 2011 5:36 pm

Yo moma so fat the probability of her being an arbitrary point in a room is one.

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33 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sat Jun 25, 2011 6:02 pm

"Whoa! Get a room!"
"This IS our room!"
"Well then lose some weight!"

"Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate?"
"They give you a discount if you've been there before."

...Been watchin Futurama.

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34 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sat Jun 25, 2011 6:05 pm

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says "Make me one with with everything..."

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35 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:53 pm

JT_the_Ninja

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Even the Dalai Lama didn't get that joke...[]

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36 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:54 pm

And then laughed awkwardly. It was awesome.

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37 Re: Bad Jokes! on Mon Jun 27, 2011 2:08 am

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?! Why? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."

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38 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sat Jul 09, 2011 3:35 pm

I'm now going to post some of the most tasteless, offensive jokes I know. They're spoilered, and I apologize in advance if anyone gets offended. Chances are you'll either be disgusted or amused, there is no in between.


Spoiler:
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He couldn’t pay the gas bill.

My grandfather died in Auschwitz.
He fell off a guard tower.

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican-American and a bench?
A bench can support a family.

Why did the racist cry when two black guys drove a car off a cliff?
That car could have seated four.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

What’s worse than 5 babies in a dumpster?
1 baby in 5 dumpsters.

What’s worse than a pile of dead babies?
The live one at the bottom eating his way out.

Also, here are quick summaries of several religions and philosophies. (The ones with asterisks next to them are ones I made up myself.)

Spoiler:
Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.

Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.

Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.

Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.

Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.

Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)

Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.

Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.

Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Creationism: God made all shit.

Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!

Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.

Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.

Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.

Utopianism: This shit does not stink.

Darwinism: This shit was once food.

Capitalism: That's MY shit.

Communism: It's everybody's shit.

Feminism: Men are shit.

Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism: Let's package this shit.

Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.

Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?

Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormonism: God sent us this shit.

Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.

Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.

Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.

Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.

Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?

Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.

Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.

Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.

Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.

Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.

Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?

Agnostic #3: What is this shit?

*Agnostic #4: Who gives a shit?

Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.

Atheism: What shit?

Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!

*Atheism #3: You fuckin’ believe that shit?

Nihilism: No shit.

Narcisism: I am the shit!

*Objectivism: You gotta get shit DONE!

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39 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Jul 10, 2011 1:54 am

Dewmann wrote:
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.

Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.

lol

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40 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:10 am

There's good news and bad news about a bus full of economists that drove off a cliff today.
What's the good news? No one survived.
What's the bad news? There were two empty seats on the bus.

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41 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Aug 07, 2011 12:34 am

Guest


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A new type of broom came out yesterday. It's sweeping the nation!

42 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:35 am

JT_the_Ninja

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You should upgrade to vacuum jokes...[]

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43 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:36 am

Hoover sucked.

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44 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:23 pm

This one is NSFW, and most people will most likly not get it. Karma to who does.
EDIT: My spelling fails horribly. Sorry if there's any cunfusion as to what it says.
Spoiler:
Fly to male scorpianfly: Man, I feel uncoferable around you.
Male scorpainfly: Why's that?
Fly: Well, I guess I'm kinda afraid that you'll sting me.
Male scorpainfly:*long pause* Are you calling me a rapest?



Last edited by Katls Nalcrato on Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:04 pm; edited 2 times in total

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45 Re: Bad Jokes! on Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:30 pm

Spoiler:

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46 Re: Bad Jokes! on Mon Aug 08, 2011 12:54 am

Seriously Sarcasmic, I'm just here to tell Katls how dangerous it is to make jokes like that here...

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47 Re: Bad Jokes! on Mon Aug 08, 2011 11:17 am

Hollyღ

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Dove in the Moonlight
I didn't understand it ...

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48 Re: Bad Jokes! on Mon Aug 08, 2011 12:29 pm

So, this seal walks into a club...

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49 Re: Bad Jokes! on Mon Aug 08, 2011 1:31 pm

JT_the_Ninja

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Ninjafleet Captain
Srsly? Norway! []

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50 Re: Bad Jokes! on Mon Aug 08, 2011 3:31 pm

Yes, the seal walking into the club story Israel!

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